This is a lot like a Nen-style diary entry! However, since I don't mention anyone by name, give any personal information, or offer too much insight into the more disturbing areas of my mind (lol), and as it doesn't threaten any kind of self-harm, suggest insanity, or do any of those unhealthy things some journal entries may do, I think I'm safe (and you are too).
~*~
The sun reflects so brightly
Off the waves down by the shore,
Lapping soft against the sand
Where we have walked before.
A heavy case of loneliness
Falls hard upon my heart…
Did friendship mean so little?
Was it over from the start?
I can still remember
All the deep phone conversations
With the back-drop of the radio
Tuned to our favorite stations,
While with the trust of friendship
We shared troubles of the mind…
It is really over now?
Has trust been left behind?
I should have sensed the change in you,
Known that the end had come.
You waited for the breaking dawn…
I chased the setting sun.
Now, in the end, it pains me
As I walk around the bend;
I guess it’s not worth trying…
I guess all good things must end.
And in the end I wonder
As I’m turning off the light…
Did you ever try to save us?
Was I even worth the fight?
~*~
I wrote that poem for someone who was once a very close friend, and whose path seems to have split from mine in recent times. It hurts, when a friend suddenly decides she doesn't need you anymore. It's like being stabbed in the back and punched in the face at the same time. It hurts... and out of pain comes anger, and often, out of anger, regret.
It's so hard for me to keep it quiet. There's been so many times when I've just wanted to confront her about it. But I kept myself back... even I don't know why. I only mentioned it once, and her reply, in my opinion, was both stunning and insulting. She said she didn't feel it was something recent: that we had been growing apart all year. Before I could answer at all, she began to belittle me... perhaps intentionally, perhaps subconsciously.
"It happens, Anna, people drift apart." As if I would claim it was impossible. I, meanwhile, was coming to a very painful, but blatantly obvious, realization. Yes, we'd drifted apart... but it wasn't, as she put it, because of changes in our lives. It was because she had wanted it. In the end, I was only a middle school friend, nice to have there in the heat of the moment, but once high school came along, she moved on 'to bigger and better things', dropping me as easily as a child may drop a toy it has no interest in anymore.
Immediately following the revelation was a jumble of feelings. The first one was hurt and anger for being treated this way. The second one was disbelief that it would really end like this. The third was resignation to the fact that I couldn't change it. And the fourth was the insight, after careful thought, that it was better this way.
What my friend had become was barely a shadow of what she had been, or at least pretended to be. Once deep and thoughtful, she now reverted to the flippant, flighty ways of the stereotypical 'girlie-girl', always concerned about trivial things, from clothes to gossip to social status. She surrounded herself with friends of the same variety... girls who smiled at your face while their friend stabbed a knife into your back. Girls I had sworn to myself I would never imitate, or even associate with. She formed her own little world where everyday, unimportant, insignificant problems were of the highest priority, and more serious issues, where they existed, were either cleverly concealed or displayed openly to attract pity. She made herself the center of her world, the meanest and most back-stabbing girls by her side, forging an environment of simplicity, uniformity, and explicit ignorance. It was a world I didn't belong in... a fact I knew even without the constant reminders thrown at me by her sidekicks. And, as my revelation reached its completion, I realized just how glad I was to escape from where I had lurked on the outskirts of her world.
No matter how great my relief, however, it was still, by no means, easy. I was able to avoid the steps leading from anger to regret, and returned, instead, to pain. It felt as though a knife had sliced ruthlessly across my heart, leaving a deep, bleeding wound that wouldn't seem to heal. Questions raged, and I had trouble sleeping at night with the familiar ache always there. Why did she turn into something like this? She, of all people, must be a little more in touch with reality! After all, she had her share of hard times, as I did... times we helped each other through, leaning on each other for support. Why, all of the sudden, this detachment? Did she think she was better off? Had she gone so far, even, as to think that her little world was reality? So many times I told myself I'd confront her: made up angry words to shout into her ignorant face.
But I resisted... and slowly, ever-so-slowly, the pain lessened, the wound scabbing over, then healing, the rest of my heart filled with better things... stirrings of ambition, pulls of determination, and, most importantly, the fire of love. In my patience, God blessed me with greater blessing than I could ever have expected. I found love, something I had thought a part of my distant future. I discovered the path God wanted me to take, and saw things in my future I had never dared to dream. Eventually, God helped me to do what I could never have done on my own: let go of her completely, and forgive her for her misjudgment.
I still feel hurt at times... the scar is still there, a mark of what's passed. But it just makes me stronger. I have so much in my life to be thankful for: my calling to serve God through athletics; my ability to stay successful in school; to love, and be loved by, the sweetest guy I have ever met; and, most importantly, that through it all, I have a great, loving, merciful God who wants only the best for me. Like words so often do, the lyrics of Relient K's "Let It All Out" drift into my mind: "You said, 'I know that this will hurt... but if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"
I've been rambling long enough.
In Christ,
~Nen~
